To most people, this is a photo of a cake. To me, this is a photo of hope, hurting and healing.

Last week Little Man celebrated his birthday. Birthdays are a cause for extreme celebration at Butterfly Home as you never know how many more await each child. For days our boy had been anticipating the arrival of his mama. Visits with mama are always bittersweet. So much anticipation and so many conflicting emotions.This time would be special as mama promised a cake for his birthday.

Mama’s visit and the cake was all that Little Man could talk about. Little Man is an old soul. He has known too much pain and too much uncertainty for anyone his age. Too many years in hospital with only mama as his constant.

When Little Man joined the Butterfly family he was so scared to betray mama’s love. Letting your walls down and inviting others in is risky. Loving Mam Tarryn might mean loving mama less. Playing with abandon and sleeping in his comfy new bed feels so good and at times make him forget. He is petrified of forgetting because his memories hold mama’s embrace. He wants to remember, but memories hurt.

Mama tried her best to care for him. In the end mama’s best was not good enough and he knew it. Willing himself to be strong, this child faces each new day and each new health challenge with courage.

Regrettably, life happened and mama didn’t make it to Little Man’s party. She arrived that night much to his relief. He wanted to tell her all about his birthday party and eagerly awaited the celebratory cake. Mama didn’t know how to tell her boy and averted the question for as long as possible, but there would be no cake. Taxi fair is not cheap and SASSA didn’t pay.

As the day passed, Little Man’s anxieties grew. Mama would be leaving soon and surely there would be cake. A part of me believes that he knew, having been let down too many times before, yet never letting on.

We bought Little Man a cake from our local grocery store. Nothing fancy and nothing big. We told him that mama had delivered it but had to rush back to work. I could see in his eyes that he understood. Only a split-second of a telltale knowing before he erupted with joy. Mama had bought him a cake!

After much consideration (and many pleading stares from his fellow Butterflies) Little Man has decided that this cake is not to be eaten. For now the cake will live in the deep freezer to be celebrated and held whenever the need arises. For weeks to come Little Man will share the tale of the cake that mama had bought with anyone willing to listen.

When I look at this photo I don’t see a cake. When I look at this photo I see a scared little boy trying his best to own a very hard story tainted by trauma and betrayal. Yes, I see a cake, but I also see a boy.